Episode 26 – The One Skill that can improve your day to day conversation

The One Skill that can improve your day to day conversation

A long time ago, one of my friends’ lost her parent. I recall feeling lost watching her navigate the turbulent times. She was miserable and had some dark times – it was difficult for me to watch.

I felt helpless – wanting to help but not knowing how to.

I tried various things in my attempt to make her feel better – until one day she snapped back

And told me – ‘I don’t want you to fix it. I want you to just listen to me’

And that is the incident I remembered now. This is what I should have done instead.

The book I am going to talk about today is I hear you by Michael Sorenson

This is a book that could have been an article. Thankfully it is a very short read.

This teaches you about the power of a very valuable [yet, under-utilized skill] – validation

It talks about how this skill helps improve relationships with your partner, navigate difficult relationships at work, connect at a deeper level with friends and family.

As social creatures we crave acceptance, appreciation and a sense of belonging

Essentially, validation means saying to someone, “I hear you. I get what you’re feeling, and it’s perfectly alright to feel that way’

Effective validation, he says has 2 components

It offers a specific emotion
It offers justification for the feeling

Here is an example he provides

Say your co-worker seems a little distracted. Curious, you ask, whats up.

“Oh…my daughter was supposed to call when she got home from dance practice over an hour ago”, she says, but I haven’t heard back, so I’m a little worries.

What would you say?

Offer reassurance

[Oh, I am sure, she is fine. You know how teenagers are, she probably forgot;}

Offer advice

[You should call her friend]

What is more effective is if you took a moment to validate. And say something on the lines of –

“I don’t blame you for being worried, especially if she said she will call an hour ago..”

Notice how we are [1]  ‘identifying the emotion – worry” and [2] Offer justification [its been an hour….]

So in a nutshell, he recommends a 4 step validation process that one could apply to any situation

Listen empathically
Validate the emotion
Offer advise or encouragement [if appropriate[
Validate the emotion again

It reads like a simplification of the psychologist  John Gottman’s ‘bids for attention’ in a relationship.

Nonetheless, it’s a framework one could definitely adopt to one’s improve how you connect with people around you